The heat takes its toll on me as I slave away at the computer, hoping for anything.

Sometimes I'm hoping to hear acceptance for what I've written for the dissertation so far.

Sometimes I'm hoping for blog popularity, for people to just see my work.

All the time I'm hoping for something from you.

That last hope oppresses far more than heat could ever oppress. It weighs down the mind. It dictates to hearing, seeing, and thought.

One goes through the day thinking "Was that her who just spoke? Was that her I just saw?" and then, at night, wondering about how all the wrong things could be made right.

I wonder how hearing and seeing and a demand for perfection all add up, and I realize I hear and see because one day I might actually encounter something I want.

At the same time, I don't think there's any getting around how passive both these senses are - how they're utterly dependent on another's motion.

- s.

Posted by substantial at 2:20 p.m.